Saturday, 13 January 2018

BBC -Salaries & 'Gender in balance'

I am bored by the whinging females at the BBC going on about 'gender inbalance' in their salary levels compared to their male colleagues. Get a Life or -perhaps more pertinently -Get a Better Agent.

Whenever I have done any TV work the first thing I say when I am contacted is - 'That's very interesting - do you mind talking to my agent?" Why? Because I haven't a clue about what the 'going  rate' is for a job but my agent has. Also - though I have many qualities I also have many weaknesses and one of them is - I am a lousy negotiator for myself.

So I leave the sordid subject of monetary remuneration to my agent and naturally she takes- and fully deserves - her fee. But I always feel that actually she cost me nothing as I am quite convinced that the extra payment she extracts more than covers her cost.

On the same issue though I am also a license fee payers as is everyone else in this country. Frankly that means I want the BBC to pay as little as possible for the 'talent' as us TV performers are called. If they can get away with paying someone less than someone else doing an equivalent job - well good for them.  Personally though I am boggled by what some of the 'Talent' are pulling in. Is that old wind bag John Humphries really worth £600,000 + a year - I think not as for Jonathan Ross -pass the sick bag 

Monday, 1 January 2018

Winter Flu epidemic

"Winter Flu Plunges Hospitals into Chaos" reads the banner headline. But why does "Winter Flu" cause the Health Service to collapse?  If I have flu I go to bed. It is that simple. I make myself a 'hot toddy' - recipe as follows:

Pour a generous measure of whisky (probably equivalent to a quadruple measure) into a glass - add water -then pour mixture into saucepan - then add generous quantity of lemon juice - a spoonful of honey and sprinkle in some cloves. Put on the stove - stir it and -when it boils pour into a big mug and retire to bed.

Drink that and you fall instantly asleep and wake up on the mend. It is that simple.

Instead the modern 'snowflakes' rush up to the doctor's surgery or - even more brain numbingly stupid to  hospital where they will sit shivering - and getting sicker - for some hours - whilst generously spreading their germs amongst a large section of the population -how selfish and stupid can you be?

The resulting headlines will squeal about lack of NHS funding etc. No - I don't think there is any 'lack of NHS funding' what there is unfortunately is a 'snowflake' population which can't even do simple things like put a plaster on a finger or go to bed with a hot drink without clogging up the arteries of the NHS with their pathetic little medical complaints.       

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

Nuisance calls -HM Government the worst offender

I live in a big house. The telephone rings and -often as not - I am the best part of 40 yards away. I run for it -I don't want to miss out on a good invitation -or -perhaps an editor wanting me to write a piece. I pick up the receiver- there is a short pause- then a disembodied female voice starts to say : "We are calling you to tell you about a new government .." I scream down the telephone, but it is no good as this, of course, is a recorded voice.

How do I stop these nuisance calls from the government? Why can't they just write a letter like they used too? One day -inevitably - as I rush to pick up the telephone - I will trip over the dog or have a seizure. There must surely be a way to silence this ghastly woman and her message, if anybody knows how too please let me know before I do myself and injury.

Thursday, 12 October 2017

Harvey Wallenstein

Who or what is Harvey Wallenstein? Till a week ago I had never heard of him nor  - at a rough guess-  had 99.9999% of the population of the UK so why have we had his repulsive features spread over even the quality press.  Honestly I don't know. Apparently he is a top Hollywood film producer and is, by all accounts, a sexual predator. Having been brought up on such salacious reads as the Carpet Baggers  and Valley of the Dolls I thought such behaviour by Hollywood film moguls was par for the course so can't help wondering what all the fuss is about.

Of course the real joke is our Harvey was  a 'right on' member of the 'liberal' establishment. donating money to Hillary Clinton's campaign  and raising many millions for the Democrats over the last twenty odd years. Don't you love it when a full on member of the 'liberal establishment' is found with his trousers down. 

Now we read that Harvey has gone into a clinic to have his 'sex addiction' treated. I can't help wondering how you treat 'sex addiction.'  Do clinics - as public schools allegedly used to - pop Bromide in patients tea in the morning in order to calm natural urges.  In fact an old fashioned English Public School regime might be just the thing for Harvey.  An early morning run, in just a pair of shorts, followed by a cold shower should cool his ardour. Follow that up with nearly inedible food and compulsory games he might lose some weight as well. What though if he misbehaved?  Would Harvey relish receiving six of the best on his voluminous bare behind or would he screech like Billy Bunter did when beaten?  Yes, I think I can safely say that if Harvey attended my specialist clinic for sex addicts he would  emerge as a very different person, possibly even a better one.     

Paying for a 'hard' Brexit

Talk about a row over nothing. One the one hand there is that arch weasel Hammond saying that he has 'not put any money aside' to pay for a 'hard Brexit' and then there is the Prime Minister seemingly contradicting him. The truth is that we don't have to put any money aside to pay for a 'hard Breixt' because if that happens we certainly won't be paying Europe anything like the £30 billion plus they are demanding from us - not to mention our annual membership 'fee' of £13 billion.  In other words we will have simply oodles of money to help smooth the path of leaving Europe.

But all this talk of 'hard or 'soft' Brexit is so much eyewash. The truth is that a 'hard' Brexit will happen. It is simply a matter of mathematics. Twenty seven countries will have to agree the terms of a 'soft Brexit.'  Can you imagine how difficult it will be to get all twenty seven to agree on something so contentious and momentous. Each country will have a particular axe to grind. Spain will want access to our fishing grounds as will France and the Netherlands. Poland, Roumania and Bulgaria will want a special deal for their citizens in the UK ,Germany will want to ply the part of Miss Whiplash and give us 'six of the best' before allowing us to leave and so on.  In other words what is being played out by the Mrs May and her acolytes is a charade designed to show the 'Remainers' in her party and in the country at large that she has really tried to do a fair deal but it is the hard liners on the other side of the Channel who by demanding impossible conditions have made it imposible   

Monday, 3 July 2017

Poldark -a load of rubbish

Every Sunday evening I am now sentenced to an hour of hell- watching Poldark.  Alright I know I watch a lot of rubbish TV but this has to be the  tops as far as rubbish TV goes. My wife though loves it. Apparently women up and down the country swoon every Sunday at Ross Poldark, switching on the TV in the hope that -once again - he will take off his shirt and scythe some hay.

Perhaps if Teresa May and her advisers watched Poldark they would not have called the election because our 'Ross' bears a striking resemblance to Jeremy Corbyn. Not just in being unshaven, or always slovenly dressed but in his complete absence of even the slightest knowledge about economics or actually what's going on in his own county-yet everyone loves him!.

So last night we were informed that in the year 1792 or thereabouts there was 'famine in Cornwall' and the 'people were starving.'  No they weren't. There was no famine in Cornwall in the 18th or 19th century. We were then shown harrowing pictures of starving Cornishmen being shot down by wicked red coat soldiers as they tried to loot a ship which had just arrived full of grain.  Apparently the wicked nouveau riche banker Warleggan- seeing the masses starve -had decided to import some grain to feed them and make -it is true - a handsome profit on the side.  But at least he was bringing grain in for the starving, no one else apparently was. Then the hero, the imbecilic Ross, waking up suddenly to the famine(rather late in the day one would have thought) organised a shipment grain himself and gave it all a way free!

Ross, the hero, is oddly, a member of an old Cornish gentry family fallen on hard times.  He reads the Guardian daily (Ok I made that bit up) , has married the daughter of a Cornish peasant, who keeps on having babies.  Everyone apart from the villain and Ross speaks in a BBC 'mockney' Cornish accent. In other words an accent which has absolutely not a scintilla in common with the real glorious West Country burr which I so well remember from my boyhood.  Why can't the BBC hunt in its voluminous sound archives for genuine Cornishmen speaking and get these overpaid half wit actors to try and get their tongues around the beautiful tones and nuances of broad Cornish, too idle I suppose. 

To add insult to injury most of the filming in the series is not even done in Cornwall. Warleggan's house is, for instance, actually in Gloucestershire. So the history is complete and utter rubbish , the economics laughable, the accents pathetic, and most of the sets bogus. The only good thing are the occasional 'artistic' shots of the glorious Cornish coast. But who cares as long as the ratings are good. Well I care because with a little bit of care and attention the BBC could have made a cracking series which DID get the history, the accents and the details right.  Once thirty odd years or more ago that is what they did better than anyone else in the world. Not any more. Now sadly the BBC is run by morons for morons.

Sunday, 2 July 2017

ties or tieless

The ghastly Bercow - otherwise known as the Speaker of the House of Commons - has given permission for MP's to remove their ties.

This 'tieless' move is -I suppose- yet another example of the 'dumbing down' of every aspect of public life. I think it was Tony Blair who begun it all with his shallow 'folksy' image of being 'one of the lads.'  Cameron then took it all a step further - taking his coat and tie off and rolling up his sleeves with the idea - I suppose - of hoping everyone would think he was hardworking chap -rather than what most of them actually thought - that he was a complete phoney- which of course he was/is.

For it is an odd thing about your average Brit that they actually rather like you to 'dress the part.'  We want our Prime Minister to look and behave like a Prime Minister not like a second rate accountant on a day off.  We also -I think - want our MP's to look and behave like MP's (OK I know that's wishful thinking.) 

But there is more to 'dressing up' than just looking the part - I believe the dress you wear helps you to be  the part.  Those of us who remember when policemen where smart as paint also remember that they were very polite and  were admired the world over - now they look like slobs and more often than not behave like slobs and I can't help thinking that discipline in schools would be enormously improved if masters once more wore gowns and mortar boards.